afraid and confused ||Bill Compton

[sookiestackhouse]

The little blond woman had a lot to think about. Eric had insisted that he had nothing to do with the murder of the woman in the parking lot and for reasons she couldn’t really understand, she believed the stupid vampire. Maybe it was because Eric hadn’t really lied to her. In fact, he’d told her about Bill - about how that bastard had tricked her into falling in love with him and was really there to turn her over to the Queen of Louisiana. But for other reasons she couldn’t really explain, she still loved that manipulative man. In any case, he and Jessica Hamby were the other vampires who were close to her. Pam hardly counted, she was just a little weird and while she hadn’t actually directly hurt Sookie, she knew what the blond beauty was capable of. Everything about that woman sent awkward shivers down Sookie’s spine.

It was with great reluctance that Sookie picked up her phone and called Bill Compton, during the daylight hours of course because she didn’t really want to get into a phone conversation with him at the moment, and she worked tonight anyway. Her fingers slowly dialed the numbers and as expected, she got Bill’s voicemail. She sighed before the beep so he wouldn’t get that. She was glad that it had went to voicemail, though she knew it would. “Hello, Bill… It’s Sookie.” Right, like it would be anyone else. Or would it? A surge of jealousy rang through her body but she pushed it away for the message. Her southern accent continued to coat her words as she spoke into the phone. “We need to talk, like soon. I’m workin’ at Merlotte’s tonight so maybe you could come in? I know it’s kinda inconvenient what with the whole murder and all, but Jessica comes in every night she works so it can’t be that much harder for you.” There, now he couldn’t have a reason to get out of it. “Well, I guess that’s all I’m callin’ ‘bout. I’ll see you tonight. Bye.”

Now the easy part was over. The hard part would be seeing Bill and talking to him face-to-face about everything that had happened. And she meant everything. She didn’t want to talk about what he’d done - betrayed her and all that - but she had to know how and why it happened. Then she needed to know if Bill or anyone he knew (including Jessica) had had a hand in what happened to that poor woman on the square. She wondered if word had gotten to her former boyfriend that Sookie had been the one that found the dead lady. Sookie closed her eyes tight and shook her head, trying to erase the memory but it was still there.

Noticing the time she quickly got in the shower and fixed her hair up all in her usual ponytail, put on some pink lipstick and blush, and then got dressed in her Merlotte’s uniform. She didn’t expect it to be really busy tonight since it was a Tuesday and only the local drunks came in on Tuesday and the few locals who wanted cheeseburgers and fries. She locked the door behind her on her way out of the house, looked across the cemetery though she couldn’t see anything, and quickly made her way to her car and locked the car doors. She hadn’t felt safe enough to even drive with the doors unlocked and she definitely didn’t feel safe by herself outside, alone, with a vampire killer on the loose and her blood so irresistible to the walking corpses.

She pulled up to the bar and grill and locked the doors, practically running to the door. Sookie gave a small wave to Sam as she entered and then got right to work. She was wiping down tables when she realized it was now dark outside.

[bill compton]

Bill was sick. The fight with the Queen had left him broken and bruised in more places than one. But what he didn't understand is that Queen Sophie-Anne had left him. She had left him there without finishing him off, and it confused him to no end. He thought that maybe it was because she had figured he was going to die from the amount of damage inflicted upon him. However, even in his wounded state he had known he could survive. He wasn't going to be able to heal himself very quickly at all, but that was to be expected. He had challenged a vampire that was much more stronger than he was, and that had been near suicide. There was no easy recovery from the pain she had inflicted upon him, and he just had to accept that. Right now, he was still hurting because he hadn't had any blood. Without that blood, he could never hope to survive. But he refused to drink right now. He wouldn't drink until he felt right about it all, which was slowly killing him.

But Bill's stubbornness got in the way. What he had done to Sookie was something that he would never forgive himself for. He had hurt her in a way that he had never wanted to. What Eric had said was partly true. He had first introduced himself to Sookie because of his orders from the Queen. But now his feelings, his emotions, flowed so much deeper than that. He loved Sookie. He was going to propose to her before he was kidnapped. Did that mean anything to her at all? When she had banished him from her home that night he had been devastated. He had wanted to explain himself to her, but she hadn't given him the change. Eric's words had manipulated her mind, and Bill wasn't surprised. Eric Northman wasn't known for his sincerity or his kindness. He had thrown Bill down with his comments. Bill hated the older vampire now, and was even more furious that he had survived the cement.

If Eric had survived it, how could Russel have died from it? It just didn't make sense to him, and it made him fear for Sookie. He didn't know if he could protect her from Russel. Russel was far too strong, and Bill would no doubt put his life on the line for Sookie. His heart was still filled with love and compassion for the young woman, even though she had made her intentions quite clear to him that night. Bill needed to talk to her, but he couldn't face her now. Not like this. He didn't think she would feel sorry for him, but he definitely didn't want her to. There was no reason for it because of all that he had done to her. He would never forgive himself, so he doubted that Sookie would. And he didn't blame her. He just wished that she would give him a chance to explain. He wouldn't glamour her. He had never even dreamed of doing that in the past. It wasn't something that he could do to the woman that he loved. If she loved him then it was going to be with her own heart and her own soul. He would not manipulate that.

The vampire had just managed to wake up from his slumber, and it was obvious that he was sore and stiff. He moved with a lot of effort, and slowly on top of that. His face contorted in a cringe as he limped forward. He had regained enough strength to start healing the worst injuries. His broken wrist was slowly being pieced back together as well as his sprained and swollen knee. It was then that he heard the cell phone. His heart skipped a beat as he hurried over to it, whether out of fear or hope he couldn't tell. When he saw her name flash across the screen, relief filled him. But as he listened to the voice mail, that hope fell like a ton of bricks. She wanted to talk, and he wanted to tell her. But he knew Sookie. Her anger was apparent, and there was no escaping that wrath. He didn't deserve to, but more than anything he wanted to explain. And not when he was in this state. But he had no choice. Taking a deep breath, although it wasn't needed, he exhaled slowly. He just didn't want to give up the breathing because it was the last thing holding him to the human world.

Stepping away from his phone, he decided to change his clothes. It would make sense since he hadn't changed since the fight with the Queen. He was a mess, and he didn't even have the energy or the want to fix himself up. Ignoring the pain flaring through him, he went up to his chamber and found what he was looking for. Dressing in his normal black slacks, he managed to work a gray sweater on, keeping it light and comfortable because of his injuries. He put his shoes on and cringed as the cuts across his back pulled when he bent down. He would need to use the last of his remaining energy to get to Merlotte's. He wouldn't be able to heal again unless he drank blood. He wanted to be able to face Sookie, but this was just so hard. But he would get over it because he cared so much for her. He just didn't understand how she could believe all of his actions had meant nothing. Bill felt just as much as the next human.

He was at Merlotte's in another instant. He had tried hiding the bruises and the cuts on his face, but it was to no avail. She would notice, and he would have to live with that. And he wouldn't push her in any way, shape, or form. He didn't even want to go inside of Merlotte's because he didn't want to create a scene for her. He wasn't even invited in anyway, so he couldn't even step foot inside the premises. He lurked in the light provided from the lamps outside, hoping Sookie would see him. He just didn't know how this was going to go, but he couldn't help but think the worst.

[sookiestackhouse]

The minutes felt like hours. Sookie wanted to laugh at herself as soon as she thought that, but it was true. It felt like everything was taking forever because she was expecting Bill any second now. She could feel her smile tighten over her face as she finished cleaning the table and then started filling orders. Her eyes glanced to the door every now and then to see if Bill would enter, though she didn’t really need to look, she would have been able to tell by the lack of thought in the room. She had found that when she focused on how many people were in the room, she could tell when a vampire was around just by the strange silence when she reached out to the undead being.

But he wasn’t there. Not inside at least. She felt herself frown until she noticed out of the corner of her eye that he was outside. Well what was he doing out there? This was a public place, he didn’t really need an invitation, though she doubted Sam would really like it if he came inside. In fact, now that she noticed, Jessica was mostly staying in the back tonight. She let her shields down and sure enough, everyone was thinking about that poor dead woman that she’d found on the square. News traveled fast in the small town of Bon Temps and by now every human knew that she had been the one that had called the police. Of course they were thinking her recent ex, Bill Compton, had something to do with it, or the new vampire that rumor had it she’d been spending time with, Eric Northman.

Truthfully, for her association with Eric Northman, Sookie felt slightly guilty and massively confused. She was stuck between a hard place… and another hard place… and then a slightly less hard space. Two of those ‘spaces’ were ice cold and one was about as warm as the sun itself. Alcide had played a major role in her late fantasies which sometimes included her boss, Sam Merlotte but not as often. More regularly, they included Eric and Bill. She’d had Bill, but she didn’t think she could forgive him for allowing the Rattrays to beat her to a bloody pulp just so Bill could give her his blood. It was partially infuriating that their blood worked on her when glamouring did not, but the blood had also let her heal faster as well, so she couldn’t completely damn it all to Hell.

“Sam, I need to go outside for a bit.” She said, indicating with her head that Bill was out there though she was sure Sam could smell it. Sam was a shifter after all and had an increased sense of smell. His favorite animal was a dog, his ‘go to’ form and she was still a little sore over the fact that he hadn’t trusted her with that information sooner when she had always trusted him with her little deformity. She gave him a meaningful look as she popped a bottle of TruBlood into the microwave and waited for it to get heated up. It was only polite. She started to take the money to pay for it from her tips but Sam gave her a look. “He’s only here because I need to talk to him. So I have to buy his drink.” Sam told her to forget it of course and she put her money back in her pocket. Sam was always sort of caring about her finances like that. Or he just didn’t want her actually spending her money on a ‘bloodsucker’ despite the fact that she’d told him they’d broken up.

“I won’t be too long” she added ‘I hope’ in her mind because she didn’t honestly know how long this conversation would last. She took the blood from the microwave and walked out, wishing she could tighten her hair but one of her hands were occupied with the blood. She handed him the bottle as her eyes widened at Bill’s appearance. “Oh my Goodness, Bill. What happened?” It took everything she had not to reach over and touch his face but she managed to keep her distance.

[bill compton]

He couldn't believe that she even wanted to talk to him. It didn't make any sense to him in all honesty. She had banished him from her home that night, taking back the invitation she had given him to remain in her home. He was deserving of that, he would never deny it, but he had thought she would no longer want contact with him. Bill's confusion was apparent only to himself because he had broken off all contact with everyone he had left in his life. And that was truly not a lot of people. Or vampires. Or any species for that matter. He didn't want to talk to anyone just as much as people didn't want to talk to him. He didn't blame anyone, but he wished people weren't as judgmental as they were. Bill had heard what had happened in town. Who hadn't? That poor woman had been murdered by a vamp, or many for that matter. Bill hadn't been able to see the body, so he couldn't know for sure. But he was a suspect. And that hurt more than anything else.

Bill was done hurting humans. He didn't want that to be a part of his life any longer. The vampire had had enough of seeing and experiencing the hurt that he had caused them, or helped cause. It had started with Lorena. She had ruined him. She had taken his life and she had made him into what she had desired and wanted. Bill as a puppet, and it was then that it hit him. Sookie. Oh, poor Sookie. She felt exactly like he had when Lorena had control over him. She felt used and abused, and just plain dirty, and Bill wanted to die because of it. He had brought those feelings upon her and it was all of his fault. He didn't even have anything to explain that situation away. What had he done? He hadn't meant it to turn out like this. That was the honest to goodness truth. He didn't want to hurt Sookie, not at the end anyway. Not after he had his very first meeting with her in all honesty. He had followed his Queen's orders at first, and he regretted it now. Especially now that he had been foolish enough to risk a fight with her. But fight he had, and he knew he had left some good marks on her. All that didn't matter though. What mattered was the fact that he had done to Sookie what Lorena had done to him. She had left him feeling helpless and betrayed. He had done the same thoughtless thing to Sookie.

That wasn't what he meant to do, and it was obvious that he was beating himself up over it. Lorena was an awful individual, and he could be classified right along with her. None of this made sense in his mind anymore. He wanted to make up for that. He wanted to make things with Sookie alright again. He wanted her to know that he never wanted to give up on protecting her. He would always be able to feel when she wasn't safe, or when something was going to happen to her. He would always be there for her whenever she needed the protection, even if she swore she hated him. Bill would not let her suffer, or fall into harm's way anymore. He would never forgive himself. He hadn't forgiven himself now. Sighing softly, the considered younger vampire brought his hands up to his head. What had he done? This was Eric's fault just as much as it was his own. Bill would have told her. He wanted to tell her. But Eric had ruined it.

Growling to himself, he paced beneath the light, not wanting to enter Sam's place. Sure, it was public, but he wasn't welcomed there. He knew Sam would never want him stepping foot into his place again, and Bill didn't blame him. No one wanted him around here anymore, he was certain of that. He wasn't going anywhere. Not for as long as Sookie lived here. He would always be close because trouble was going to be all around her now. The Queen would have gotten her way whether Bill was her pawn or not. She would find Sookie, and Bill would do all that he could to fight for Sookie. The vampire shook his head. This was what he didn't understand. They had shared so much, Sookie and he. They had been through so much, and Bill had always been there. He had protected her to the best of his ability, and it all meant nothing. He was accused of being emotionless, but it wasn't true. He felt. He felt just as hard as she did. He had wanted to marry her for goodness sakes! That had to mean something. It had to show her he had really cared. Bill turned on his heel now, for he heard the door to Merlotte's swing shut. And there she was. If Bill had a working heart it would be beating five times the normal speed. He loved her. He really loved her. He didn't know how to show that to her.

He stayed where he was even though he wanted nothing more than to run to her. It was not the time, or the place. And she would never accept it. He even went so far as to step back from her when she stopped in front of him. His eyes held all of his emotions, and there was nothing there but pain and sorrow, as well as love. There was love there. Bill loved Sookie, no matter what anyone else said. He stayed in the shadows for a moment before he let the light bring forward his appearance. He was a mess. There was no gentle way to put it. The cut on his cheek was angry looking: swollen and red from his inability to heal but his tired body trying anyway. He was exhausted now. The amount of energy it took to get here had left him running on fumes, and it showed. He was barely standing, and even swayed slightly as he remained in front of her. Hearing her words just shattered him. What happened? How could he tell her what happened without her just pushing him away once more? He wasn't going to lie to her anymore though. Bill was done lying to the woman that he loved.

"It's nothing. The Queen and I had a disagreement. I decided to argue with her, and it ended in a more physically violent manner. Needless to say, The Queen and I are finished."

Why had she left him there? Why hadn't she finished him off? It was all so confusing for him, and he just didn't understand. Bill was trying to piece every thing together, but it just wasn't working. Ignoring the thoughts of the Queen for now, he faced Sookie, seeing the bottle of blood she handed to him. He was starving, but it was almost self inflicted. He didn't deserve to eat after what he had done to Sookie. He had drained her. He had almost killed her, and he could never forgive himself. Stepping back from her once more, he closed his eyes. He wanted her. He wanted to hold her close to him. He didn't want her blood or her sex, or anything of the sort. He just wanted to hold her close and breathe in her scent once more. Bill was going through something that could be compared to a withdrawal. He didn't know what to do. Watching her for another moment, Bill just shook his head. They needed to start the conversation, but his energy was ebbing, and that much was obvious. He was no good to her in the state he was in, but he would talk with her. He stepped backwards yet again, but that movement caused him to stumble. He couldn't keep himself up, and the blood was seen seeping through his clothes in some places if the light caught it just right. He landed on the ground in another moment, staying on his knees and trying to stop the world from spinning.

"Sookie. I don't know how to help you understand how sorry I truly am."

He was spinning, and could be considered delirious. But he was serious. He meant every word that he uttered from his mouth, and he just willed her to believe him. Bill remained where he was for now, resting his hands on his knees. He just wanted the world to stay still. His injuries were so great though, and he couldn't produce enough of anything to heal them. His shaking hand wanted to reach for the bottle of blood, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't drink in front of her. It was disgusting, and disgraceful. He just couldn't do it. He was reaching the end of his rope. The long cuts traveling up and down his back had bled through his gray sweater, showing crimson through the thick material. His right arm was almost completely soaked because of the gash on his shoulder, and his swollen knee was apparent, as well as his swollen wrist. His face held the most noticeable damage, what with it being so swollen and bruised. It was hard to recognize him. He remained where he was, managing to speak more.

"Sookie, please. I hate myself for what I've done."

Just saying her name brought him some relief. He didn't know why or how, but it made him realize she was here. Being so close to her was a help as well, for it was willing him to remain upright for the most part. He had to talk with her. He couldn't lose himself now. Not when he was so close. Not when she had given him a chance. What was he doing? He was ruining it once again, and he hated himself. Remaining on his knees, he wondered if this was going to work. It had to. It just had to make them slightly better. He couldn't be without her like this anymore.

[sookiestackhouse]

Right now, she was wishing she hadn’t had Bill’s blood, because he’d be able to feel how she felt, which was guilty. Guilty for several reasons. Because Bill had had a fight with the Queen and probably at her expense. Though she wasn’t sure why he had been arguing with Sophie-Anne, she was wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that he couldn’t get Sookie to the Queen, because now there was another vampire protecting her. She wondered what Eric would do if the Queen of Louisiana asked him to hand her over to that woman that Sookie was almost positive she’d never met. This was the other reason she felt guilty. She was spending time with Eric, and exactly what that time consisted of could get her in a lot of trouble if she’d still been seeing Bill. She had to keep telling herself that she wasn’t doing anything wrong because she wasn’t seeing Bill. Bill Compton was no longer her boyfriend. She wasn’t sure if Eric Northman was, but she had definitely made out with him in her living room.

Anyway, the guilt was there and Bill and Eric and whoever else had given her blood (which to her knowledge was no one; Longshadow’s had gotten in her mouth when he was killed but he was dead and couldn’t feel anything about her) could feel it. It was a horrible feeling to know that others could feel you when you were at your worst emotionally. When she was in trouble, it came in handy. Right now, it was just annoying and she hoped that Eric didn’t get the wrong idea and come out here and ruin this conversation she needed to have with Bill, hopefully not getting into what she’d been doing while they were apart.

Bill was noticeably having trouble with his equilibrium and she was wondering why he didn’t just take the bottle of synthetic blood. He needed it, it was visible to even her. She was sure it would be visible to any human. She was still in love with Bill, but she couldn’t let that get to her. He’d betrayed her enough and she didn’t want that to happen anymore. Still, she didn’t want him to be having this much difficulty. She watched him step back a few times and even stumble to his knees while he was trying to explain.

Her lips pulled into a frown; she genuinely didn’t want to see him this way. She didn’t want to see him moving on, really which was sort of selfish for her, but she didn’t want to see him looking like he was dying all over again either. She knelt down by him, keeping both of her feet on the ground and balancing herself on her toes, and pulled a straw from her apron, sticking it into the bottle of blood after pulling the paper off, and then holding it up to his lips.

“Bill, drink it. Ya look horrible.” She couldn’t help but tell him the truth. She still had feelings for this vampire and she still wanted to help him back to health. “I’m not going to forgive you if you let yourself die, William Compton. You better not die in this parking lot. Too many people die around me and you’re not gonna be one of them.” She couldn’t help that her voice sounded a little harsh. Tears threatened to stream down her face but only because it hurt her to see him so injured. She hesitated, but her hand eventually made their way to his hair, brushing it back to see the extent of the damage to his face. She had a feeling he’d need more than TruBlood and she didn’t know if she was willing to give that to him or not. “We should go over to the bench, so you can rest,” she said, being completely logical. She stood up and reached out her hand to help him up. “Come on, we’ll be out of customer sight over there.”

[bill compton]

He needed to be stronger before facing her. The vampire was embarrassed because of the state that he was in, and the much was obvious to anyone who knew him. He didn't want to be the weak one. He wasn't known as being weak. He always battled through his injuries until he couldn't even stand anymore. That was where he was now. He couldn't keep himself up on his feet any longer, and it was breaking him. He couldn't appear to be there for Sookie if he couldn't even take care of himself. But the truth of the matter was that not having Sookie in his life was killing him. He never thought that he'd be affected by any woman ever again after what Lorena had done to him. He hadn't trusted after that situation, and he also had made a vow to stay away from any female. He had needed a break then. He could never allow himself to be so close to another being because it had hurt him so much. However, that had failed him, and he found himself hurt all over again.

It was his own fault, for he would never blame Sookie. It wasn't her fault at all. He should have told her the truth when he had started really feeling for her. It would have made the most sense, and it would have saved the young blonde from a lot of heart ache that was going through now. Bill wanted to be able to comfort her, for he felt her grief. It toppled over his own, matching it and settling upon him like a heavy weight. He couldn't escape it, and he certainly couldn't escape his own. He was feeling the pain and the sorrow of two individuals, but only one truly bothered him. Sookie should never have to the feel the way that she felt now. He was the cause of it, and he would never get over that fact. However, if Eric had never said anything than this wouldn't be a problem. Bill wanted to tell Sookie what had once been the truth. Eric had twisted it to his own advantage and made it seem like Bill was still doing it for the Queen. That was no longer the truth, and he needed her to believe that. He needed to at least tell her that so it was out in the air. He needed to know that at least he had tried to help her understand he still had feelings for her, and would always have those feelings.

He was brought back to the present by Sookie's voice. He realized that he was on his knees, and became extremely confused and disoriented. How had he ended up on his knees? Furrowing his brow, he tried pushing himself up into a standing position, but it wasn't working to his advantage. He couldn't even get up right now, and he was extremely embarrassed. What would Sookie think of him now? Would she believe him about getting into a fight with Queen Sophie-Anne? He willed and wished her to, but that didn't mean it would happen. He had struggled against the Queen because he no longer wanted to serve her. That fight had been his last act of defiance, and proof that he didn't want to be a part of her plan any longer. It took Sookie finding out the truth for him to really rebel, but he had been rebelling all along. The Queen hadn't been approached with that knowledge, but Bill hadn't been reporting to her. That had to mean something to Sookie. If only he could just tell her what he knew now.

The straw was up against his lips in another moment, and the smell of the TruBlood was slowly filling his nose. His mouth watered slightly, and he knew that he needed it. He just didn't want to drink it in front of Sookie. He didn't want to appear to be any more of a monster in her eyes than he already did. He turned his face away for the time being, unable to bring himself to revolt her more. Clenching his teeth, he fought against the urge to drink that blood. He couldn't bring himself to do it even though he desperately needed it. The TruBlood would help him. It wouldn't solve all of his problems, but that little bit would enable him to live through this. A small groan of pain and hopelessness left his lips. This was never going to happen the way he wanted it to. He needed to stop being so selfish, but he just couldn't do this any longer. He needed Sookie like he needed blood. He couldn't live without her because of his love for her. He knew she didn't return the feelings, and probably never would again. That had been his mistake. He had ruined everything yet again. As she told him to drink the blood because he looked awful, Bill just shook his head.

"I can't."

There. He had said it. He hadn't said why he couldn't or what was stopping him, but Sookie was intuitive. She would probably realize that it was because he didn't want to appear any more monstrous. He turned his face back towards her and was surprised to find the straw still offered to him. He felt helpless, and he hated it. Biting back the want to drink the blood, he heard her next words while he still floated in and out of his delirium. He didn't have much longer to hold himself up when it all came down to it. He was going to collapse soon, and he would be of no help to her or himself. In all honesty, he was surprised she somewhat believed his story of fighting the Queen. With the dead body in the streets, he was afraid people would assume he had sustained his injuries from the girl fighting back. But Sookie had to understand Bill couldn't get this injured from a human being. Nothing was making sense in Bill's head anymore. His thoughts were stringing together strangely, and he couldn't keep sense and order of them. He was jumping back and forth between topics, unable to figure out what he wanted to think about first.

Sookie's words brought him back like a smack to the face. She wouldn't forgive him if he let himself die. Did that mean she could possibly forgive him for the things that he had done previously? If she would just let him explain. Taking an unnecessary deep breath, he listened to her words and tried to make sense of them. He needed to drink. She didn't want him dying in front of her like everyone else seemed to be doing. He paused for a moment, and then brought his lifeless eyes up to meet Sookie's. He held her gaze for a moment, and he knew that in that moment she would be able to tell exactly how he was feeling. He felt revolted by himself for all that he had done, he felt extremely sorry and guilty for what he had done, and he felt pain for her. He was in agony because of his injuries, and his heart was shattered from what he had done to her. He resisted the urge to drink for another moment until he could no longer do that. He couldn't die in front of her. He couldn't hurt her any more than he already had. Taking hold of the bottle with a shaking hand, he brought the straw to his lips and started to drink. The warm liquid filled him and rejuvenated him. It didn't work as well as real human blood would, but he would never drink from Sookie again. Not even if she ever wanted to offer again.

He drank the bottle dry, feeling light headed from drinking it so quickly. But he felt better. He felt a little bit stronger. It was no where where he needed to be in his strength level, but it brought some more clarity to his life and his mind. As she spoke up again, he listened and knew she was making sense. It would be easier for him to be sitting on the bench and out of the line of sight of the customers. Even though there were only a few in the bar, those that had seen Sookie leave were watching out the windows. They saw Bill, and he wondered why they weren't rushing out right now. Maybe they were too afraid, and he didn't blame them. Vampires in Bon Temps that weren't supposedly nice. It had to be frightening for the residents, especially after all that they had gone through. Bill managed to gather up some of his strength and reached for Sookie's hand. Her warmth did more then the TruBlood did. He raised himself up without much assistance from her because he didn't want to put that on her. It was a slightly painstaking process, but he was up and heading over to the bench with her guidance.

When they reached it, he collapsed upon it, slumping slightly as he did so. This was not going well. It wasn't how he first wanted to see Sookie again. His chin was resting on his chest as he sat there, his eyes closed. Bill was listening for her, and if anything stepped out of the darkness with the intent to harm her, he would fight. He didn't have much left to give, but oh, would he fight for her. Bill wished she didn't see him like this. It would never improve her opinion. Holding his good hand around his bad arm for a moment, he did his best to straighten in his seat, and then looked towards her. She deserved to ask the questions and to get the answers. He would provide all that he could for her.

"Ask me what you wish, Sookie. I will do my best to answer you."

He knew that was what she really wanted, all she really wanted. She didn't really care, did she? How could she? Bill sat where he was, letting his strength and energy reabsorb as he rested on the bench. In another moment, his chin was on his chest again, his eyes closed. It was the best way to regain his energy. He listened for her though, wanting to answer her as quickly and honestly as he possibly could. He owed her that much, that was for certain.

[sookiestackhouse]

Sookie hadn’t known what she thought she should expect, but it definitely wasn’t seeing Bill like this. It made her heart sink to see him so weak. What had happened to him? Why on earth would he take on the Queen of Louisiana? Then again, he’d also trapped Eric under a ton of cement so she really couldn’t be too disbelieving. Eric, thankfully, had escaped - why she was thankful for that was confusing since the Viking seemed to change his opinion of her from one minute to the next. First she was this good for only one thing (telepathy) human and the next he wanted to sleep with her. And there was that part of her that wanted Eric as well. A growing part she was now realizing even though there was still a part of her that wanted Bill Compton as well. Heck, there was a part of her that wanted Alcide and Sam too but she didn’t like to act on those. Bill had been her first and so far only real love and now it seemed as though it had been completely fabricated on his part. She felt manipulated and uncared for around Bill right now. He’d said he was planning to tell her, eventually, but when would eventually have been? On her death bed? ‘Oh by the way Sook, I let you almost die so I could give you my blood when we first met.’ Yeah, that sounded about right.

And whether he had feelings for her now or not was not the issue. Sookie cared a great deal for Bill but she had to tell herself it had been a long, blood bath of a lie. He might have fought the Queen over her but she wasn’t going to let one good deed clear his name. It just couldn’t be possible. Not for her. Bill had hurt her way too much - and yet, she couldn’t deny that she still loved him. Part of her wanted to offer him her blood so he’d heal faster, to tell Sam she was taking the rest of the night off and drive Bill back home and take care of him, clean him up and make sure he was in his little hidey-hole before Dawn, make sure he was up the next evening and hadn’t died during the day. Sookie wanted to throw her arms around him and never let go.

After helping him to the bench, Sookie paced in front of him, trying to figure out what she was going to do. Few things were certain: Bill didn’t have anything to do with Thelma-Rae’s death. He was too weak to have just had an entire body of blood. She could see that. Sookie might not have been professionally educated but she wasn’t a complete idiot. A little naive at times maybe, but no fool. Of the vampires she knew, that left Jessica, Pam, and Chow. Those were the locals she knew anyway. She was sure there were more she didn’t know but she wanted to make sure the ones she knew had nothing to do with this. Jessica was what Eric had called a baby; Sookie decided that was a derogatory term but she didn’t know what else to apply to Jessica’s condition. Anyway, if Jess had anything to do with it, she could hardly be blamed, she wasn’t even really a year old as far as vampires went. Mental note to have that conversation with Jessica. Pam was older, much older, and seemed to prefer women though she did give the occasional male a look. But Pam wouldn’t be so reckless. Chow… well Sookie didn’t know much about Chow and that was the way she wanted to keep it.

She stopped pacing when Bill told her to ask her questions. But where to start? “Why were you fighting the queen?” That was a good place she decided. She needed to know if it was because he’d failed at turning Sookie over to her or if it was for some other reason. She would have to trust him to tell the truth, something she wasn’t sure she could do but she could always check the story later with Jessica or Eric and see how well they matched up. Eric wasn’t the god of honesty but he was more likely to give it to Sookie straight. She could deduce enough of the truth from combining their stories. “I was going to ask you about that lady that was dead in the square. I found her. She had vampire fang marks all over her, but it’s clear now it couldn’t have been you. You haven’t had blood in a while before now I take it.” Sookie’s eyebrows pulled together as she looked Bill over. She stepped closer and ran her hand through his hair again, looking him over. “Bill, why haven’t you fed until now? You have to be hungry. Maybe I should go get you another bottle of TruBlood…” Her hand moved to his cheek and she let her thumb gently touch the scratch on his cheek. She should have been glad that he’d gotten what he deserved, but she wasn’t. The bad part was that she’d had his blood so he’d know just how miserable she truly was.

[bill compton]

How could she trust Eric Northman of all vampires? He was manipulative and icy cold, in more ways than one. Bill knew that Sookie felt the same way about him right now, but he had proved himself to her in the past. He wasn't after her to have sex. There could and would be no promising that Eric wouldn't be like that. Bill felt anger and jealousy rise within him as he tried piecing this together. What if she was with Eric now? What if he was too late to fix things, or at least attempt to fix them? Not being with Sookie was one thing, but not being with Sookie because she was with Eric was an entirely different story. Bill felt a new rage climb within his heart and he didn't know how to handle it. He wanted to ask her about Eric, and about the mixed emotions he was feeling inside of her. Unfortunately it was none of his business. Sookie was a grown woman who would and could make her own choices. He had no business questioning her about Eric Northman, even though it did bother Bill. A lot.

He wouldn't pry because it was no longer his place. He wasn't with Sookie like that any longer, and he needed to learn to accept that, even though it was the hardest thing he had ever done. He had had to do a lot of hard things lately. He had thought he was going to lose his life against Queen Sophie-Anne. There was no doubt that she was a lot stronger and more capable of winning than he was. He had left some marks on her that would no doubt smart, but that was it. She had left him half dead upon the ground and was able to walk away right after the battle. Bill hadn't been like that at all. He had thought he was going to die there, but it hadn't been like that. He was just so confused. Nothing seemed to matter to him anymore besides Sookie. He was a complete fool when it came to his own safety, and had risked his life to fight for the young woman. She didn't know that, and he didn't think she would care if he did. It broke him, and he brought his wounded eyes to watch Sookie pace before him. Bill felt awful in more ways than one. He was sick and battered, but the inside of him looked much the same. He loved Sookie. He would never have her again.

He didn't want her in the ways that other vampires wanted her. He had followed the Queen's orders without knowing what he was throwing himself into. It was then that he wanted to be with Sookie for her, and not for her blood or for what she was. He could care less about what she was. He just wanted to be with her and stay with her for as long as he could. He wanted to lay beside her once more and hold her close to him. He needed to feel her heart beating beside him once more so that he could be reassured of her life and her safety in that life. Bill was miserable, and he didn't think he would ever be able to overcome this if there was no forgiveness in this situation. He couldn't live not being with her if she was with Northman. Shaking his head a little, he heard her first question fired his way, and he leaned over, holding his head in his hands for a moment. He sat up in a minute, and swallowed some strength to soldier through this conversation. Sookie deserved every single answer she requested. It didn't even take him long to respond to her, which showed to her, maybe, that he wasn't telling a lie.

"I refused to do her bidding any longer. I refused to hurt the one that I cared, care about the most. She wouldn't let me, so I fought with her. I don't know why she didn't kill me, honestly, I don't."

He finished with a small shrug of his shoulders. But that that was a mistake, for those movements brought extreme pain onto his battered body. It had taken a lot of damage from Lorena, and he had barely healed from that before facing the Queen. He had been foolish, but he had been passionate. His mind was running through questions that she might ask when he realized what she was talking about. Sookie had found the body in the square? Worry flashed through his instantly, and his body tensed despite the pain it brought him.

"Sookie, no. Are you alright?"

His concern was genuine, even if she didn't appreciate it. He hadn't been there to help her. He hadn't been there to shield her eyes and hold her close to him. She had found dead bodies before, and it hadn't been good for her. No one could blame her for that. Bill wanted to get up right now and wrap his arms around her. But he couldn't. She would never allow it, and he needed to respect what she wanted. His eyes never left her after that point however, and he was doing his best to gage how she was reacting to that. At least she didn't suspect him of that. He hadn't even brought in the idea that he was too weak to have fed on an entire body of human blood. That was how delirious he truly was. It was then that Sookie stepped towards him, and he closed his eyes as she ran her fingers through his hair. Her warmth and her even tender touch was helping him more than she knew. He was rather disappointed when it stopped, for the feelings of being alone and sick came flooding back to him.

"I haven't fed because I haven't deserved to feed. I'm a monster Sookie. I'm a monster for everything that I've done to you, and just for everything that I've done. I don't want to be a monster any longer."

There. He had said it. He didn't want to be who he was because he hated who he was. He closed his eyes once more as her fingers trailed down to his cheek. He did all that he could not to lean into her palm, even though that was exactly what he wanted. It would have felt so good just to release who he truly was, and how he truly felt. He loved her, and he wanted her to know that . Sighing softly as she inspected his cheek, he fought the urge to grimace as it stung slightly. His eyes flew open as she spoke up.

"Don't go, Sookie. I'm fine...I'll be fine. Just stay, please. Ask me your questions, but don't leave."

[sookiestackhouse]

Oh sure, now he was refusing to do Sophie-Anne’s dirty work. When had he decided that? Was it before or after Eric told Sookie about Bill’s little mission? The blond woman cursed herself for even thinking about that for the moment. There were more pressing issues. Bill was a complete mess. There was no doubting that. He looked a mess, he sounded a mess, it was apparent that something had gone wrong in Bill’s life. She supposed she couldn’t really blame him for that. He’d been through being tortured by Lorena, even though he’d hurt Sookie in the process - having sex with the woman vampire and then calling to practically brag about it. Sookie still felt like crying every time she thought about it. Then he’d been there when Sookie staked his maker - something Sookie was still trying to deal with mentally. Then there was all that crap with Russell and Eric and Sophie-Anne and he’d thought he’d finished Eric off only for Eric to come back and tell Sookie all of Bill’s little secret mission.

But that wasn’t her problem. She had to keep telling herself that Bill brought this on herself. He could have told her earlier - he should have told her earlier. And he didn’t have to go off with Lorena. She’d forgiven him for that, like she’d forgiven him for everything else - even draining her. He’d practically killed her and sent her into the hospital. But she’d forgiven him for that because she knew he couldn’t help it; Bill had been starving and she’d freely cut herself open so he could feed. Okay, so that one she’d brought upon herself. Her friends thought she was insane for forgiving him for that, but how could she not? It was in his nature and he’d been dying.

It would have been so easy to fall back into his arms and just take care of him. That was what she wanted to do more than anything, but she needed to be strong. She didn’t want to be a doormat, or that girl that people just came back to. The constant bitterness between Bill and Eric had made her feel more like a prize to be won than a woman to be loved. She supposed she should have been used to that. She was ‘Crazy Sookie’ after all. She couldn’t date regular guys because she couldn’t deal with hearing their thoughts. Bill and Eric didn’t make her feel crazy, they just made her feel awkward.

Until one of them tried to show her any emotion, like now. “I’m fine, Bill. It was during the day anyway.” Once her hand was stroking his face, she didn’t want to end the contact. Bill had that way with her, that way that just made her want to be closer. Very rarely did Bill repel her like Eric did, but she had to admit she was feeling for Eric too. She was so confused. It was better to just get back to the issue at hand. “Everyone’s real suspicious. Once you get better I don’t think you should stay in the house. People need to see you’re still mainstreaming or they’re gonna keep thinking you or Jessica did it.”

The more he spoke the more her heart broke. She didn’t like him thinking that he was a monster. He needed blood to survive just like she needed food and water. “Bill, you can’t starve yourself, sweetie.” The words came out without her thinking but she realized she shouldn’t have said that last one. Immediately her hand dropped from his face and she sat down next to him, putting her hands in her lap. “You need blood.” She would have been on her feet and heading to get him another bottle if he hadn’t practically begged her to stay. “You’re going to drink more before you leave tonight. You can drink from me if you have to, I just can’t let you suffer like this.”

Next question? What else was there to ask now? He’d told her what he would about Sophie-Ann and he certainly wasn’t the one who killed Thelma-Rae. She took a deep breath and looked at the ground. “Why did you do it in the first place? And why didn’t you tell me before Eric had to? How could you even agree to do something like giving me over to her? And letting me get hurt just so you could give me blood…?” She was glad she was looking at the ground, because tears were coming down her face now. Over the time she’d known Bill and the other vampires, she’d cried several times, and she never felt good about it.

[bill compton]

Bill felt awful. He had never been this weak, except for when Lorena had tortured him. She was supposed to kill him then, but she had taken too long in her enjoyment. She had enjoyed having the power over Bill once again. She had relished in the fact that she was once more in control of her progeny, and Bill had been dying inside because of it. He had vowed never to go back to Lorena, and he had. Did it always happen like that? Did the progeny always run back to their maker even though they wanted nothing to do with them, and hated them more than anything or anyone else? Bill felt disgusted with himself for going back to Lorena. He had had no business returning to her, but he had been kidnapped. That had thrown everything out of balance, and he just couldn't believe that it had happened. He couldn't believe that everything was falling apart between his fingers. He couldn't fix things, and that was what hurt him the most.

He didn't think things with Sookie would ever be the way that they had once been. He loved her, and wanted nothing more than to go back to the night when he had proposed to her. Then he could make things right. He would have told her the truth that night. He would have made sure she understood just what she was getting into. He had made the decision before they had gotten to the restaurant. He just wanted to be able to love her again, and be loved by her in return. He wanted to make everything up to her, but he didn't think that he would be given the chance. More than anything else, Bill wanted to be human. All of these problems stemmed from him being a vampire. If he was a normal individual that ate food and water, and actually had a heart beat, than maybe things would be different. Maybe then Sookie and he would have a real chance to make it in a relationship. There would be no lying, no manipulating, no life or death situations. They could just be normal people, leading normal lives. Bill wanted that more than anything. But even that was a lie. What he wanted more than anything was for Sookie to be truly happy. If he couldn't make her happy any longer, than he would not make or let her suffer. He would step back and let her be if that was what made her honestly happy. It would be the hardest thing for him, but he would not let her suffer any longer. She had been through enough. She had been through more than anyone should ever have to go through.

Bill bit back his words for a moment, letting Sookie speak. Her hand on his face was comforting, and it was helping him more than she could ever know. Closing his eyes as she touched him, he let himself imagine that they were a couple again. He let himself imagine that they were indeed married, and that things had worked out between them. They were happy, and above all else, they were safe. He would never let harm befall her again, and he would no longer be the one that harmed her. He couldn't do that to her any more. But he was brought back to the present when she began speaking about discovering the body again. Fear fled through him in another instant, and his eyes flew open. What if the vampire who had committed the act had still been lurking? What if Sookie had been in danger and he hadn't been there to protect her? He would have been in an awful state if she had gotten hurt because he hadn't been there. He studied her face for a while, his eyes piercing her because of his genuine concern for her well being and her life. Her life was precious, and he would never want her to lose that.

"Sookie, day or not it doesn't matter. I wish more than anything you hadn't found the body."

She had been through enough. Why did she always seem to find the dead bodies? It wasn't fair, and she didn't deserve that. Biting his lower lip after a moment, he studied her to make sure that she was in fact alright. He was obviously worried, and he didn't want to think about what could have happened if the vampire had still been around. He might not be here having this conversation with her. Sighing softly, Bill settled back against the back of the bench. He needed more blood to regain the energy he needed to heal, but he didn't want to drink it in front of her. It was hard enough and embarrassing enough to drink that first one. But she had basically demanded that he drink it because she wouldn't let him die in this parking lot. He had done it for her, not himself. It was as simple as that. If she hadn't forced him then he probably wouldn't be drinking it now. However, he did feel better, which was common knowledge. Bill needed it to survive. He was basically dehydrated and malnourished, but he was trying to soldier on. This talk was supposed to be for Sookie, not for him. Her next words hit him and he nodded slightly. What she said made sense.

"I agree. I have to make certain Jessica stays out as much as possible. She doesn't need to be suspected of that."

His concern for his progeny came through in an instant, so it was obvious that he cared for her. He knew that he wasn't there as much as he should be for her. Bill needed to be there for her more, to teach her and to help her understand what she needed to be like. The way he was treating her now wasn't fair, and he needed to change it as soon as possible. He would no longer neglect her. And he would no longer neglect Sookie. Whether she liked it or not, he would always be able to tell when she was in trouble, or scared, or hurt. He would always be there for her to protect her from now on because he wanted to and needed to. He couldn't stand to see her suffer any longer, so if he could be there for her then he would be. If they couldn't be involved romantically any longer, it would kill Bill, but he'd make due as long as he could be in her life. As long as he could be allowed in her home once more, then he would suffer through. This was about her happiness. He didn't have to keep reminding himself of that knowledge. Her next words brought him to the present like a smack to the face. She had called him sweetie, but he knew it had to be a slip of her tongue. She hadn't meant it.

That was solidified by the fact that she brought her hand away from his face and sat with them in her lap. That was proven by the fact that she instantly turned colder and more reserved and sat rather far from him. As far as the bench would allow her anyway. Bill's heart dropped immediately. He should have known better than to realize things could have been the way that they used to be. Hearing her words of how he couldn't starve himself, he just shook his head. He couldn't explain to her how he felt right now. He had tried, but it wasn't the extent of it. He really was a monster. He really couldn't face her because of what he had done. Sighing, he heard her proposition and instantly flew into a standing position. It was as if he wanted to put distance between them because he could never face drinking her blood again. Not after he had drained her and almost killed her. How could she even offer herself? He shook his head immediately, putting his hands up in front of him.

"I will not Sookie. I would suffer a million times over again before I ever, ever thought about drinking your blood again. Not after what happened."

There. He had said it. He would never touch her again like that. he wanted to hold her close, but he would never drink her blood again. That was a vow he had made to himself. He didn't care about drinking her blood. He didn't care that it made him stronger and could help him survive a little while in the sunlight. Bill didn't hold that when it came to his feelings for her. He was not in it for her blood. He was in it for her and her heart and her strength, and her personality. That was what truly drew him to her. Shaking his head, he felt his knees begin to shake, knowing that he had to sit. He positioned himself at the very edge of the bench, not wanting to even think about drinking her blood. He didn't even want it to be an option for him, and wished she would say that he couldn't have it. Closing his eyes once more, his hands clenched the bench beneath him, and he felt the trembling take hold of him once more. He wished he was stronger. He wished that he could make it through this conversation without feeling like he was going to collapse at any moment.

Sitting helped a lot more than he thought it would, and he slowly released the bench as his shaking reduced. Maybe it was the fact that he remembered what had happened the last time he had had her blood. He couldn't be responsible for that again. He felt slightly more calm and collected now, and heard her questions. He would answer her to the best of his ability, and he would no longer lie to her. She didn't deserve to hear lies. He wouldn't be the one to keep the truth from her. From now on, he would always be straight with her. It was what she needed. It would keep her safe, and it would let her be at some ease if she knew what he knew. Deciding to tell her everything and anything at that moment, he formulated his responses.

"I did it because I didn't know any better Sookie. I did it because I thought that maybe it would keep me distant from the Queen and from the hierarchy. You must understand that I wanted as far away from them as I could possibly get. Bon Temps was that opportunity, and I used you for my own happiness. I admit that to you now, but please listen. I didn't know you then. I know you now. I know who you are and how you are. I know the real you Sookie, and I fell in love. I'm in love, and that will never change. What I did is awful, and I will never forgive myself for it. I don't expect your forgiveness either, but you know. I ask that you understand things changed when I got to know you. My love was and is real. The way I treated you and treat you is genuinely honest. I care."

He finished simply, honestly. There were no lies in his eyes now. That small speech had taken some strength from him, and he needed to regroup for a moment before he finished the rest of her questions. Feeling like he was going to be sick, he leaned forward and rested his elbows upon his knees. This was not something he wanted to feel like ever again. Regaining his composure, he spoke up once more.

"I was going to tell you the night I proposed to you. But that wasn't possible. I swear to you, when I came back, before Eric told you, I wanted to tell you. I planned on telling you because you needed to know the truth. I gave you my blood because it was my assignment at first. It sounds cruel, and it was. But I would change everything if I could now. I know you will never forgive me, but from the bottom of my heart, Sookie, I love you now. I don't know how you feel and I don't need to know now. I know this is a lot for you, and my respect is placed upon you for being as strong as you are. I'm sorry Sookie. I don't know how many times I have to say it until you believe it, but I will keep saying it and showing it until you might."

He finished quietly, looking down at his hands. She wanted his honesty, and he had given it to her. He hadn't been kind at first because she was just an assignment. But now that all changed. It had changed within the first week, maybe even the first night of meeting her. He couldn't help it. He had fallen in love right from the start, and that was no lie.

[sookiestackhouse]

What the hell? Did Bill think she liked finding dead bodies around town. More than almost anything she’d like for her life to just go back to normal, or as normal as a telepath can get. Maybe she couldn’t have normal. It made sense. She couldn’t date normal guys and she could hear all of her normal friends’ thoughts which was a real pain. She got into supernatural trouble and now that the vampires and some shifters and all of her friends and pretty much everyone in town though they tried to ignore it knew about her little disability gift. The blond pulled on her ponytail, tightening it, a nervous habit and one she did when she needed her hands to be doing something. She wished she was cleaning or something right now, something to take her mind off of how difficult this conversation was. She could feel the anger inside her, wanting to burst because he wanted to protect her. Oh yeah, now he wanted to do that. After he’d put her through all that heartache, he wanted to just whisk her off her feet like nothing ever happened. Truth be told, he could do it. She was positive that sooner or later, she’d forgive the lying son of a bitch. She scolded herself mentally, knowing that William’s mother might have been a good mother for all she knew and it wasn’t polite to taunt the deceased… the really deceased anyway.

“You think I like finding dead people, Bill Compton?” Her voice was raised considerably with her anger and she hated that but she couldn’t help it. She’d feel horrible later of course for scorning someone in such a terrible condition but right now, she needed him to know what was up. “In the time that I’ve known you vampires and shifters I’ve lost my Gran, three of the women I’ve worked with, one of them was my friend, I’ve seen dead body after dead body after dead body and I’ve talked to that God forsaken Andy Bellefleur more times than I can count on account of murders goin’ on. I’ve directly killed two people and been responsible for other deaths I’m sure. I’ve been scratched by a maenad and watched a vampire commit suicide on a hotel roof. I’ve been almost completely drained at least twice and I was put in the hospital for the first time in my entire life. I’ve learned I work for a shifter and I’ve had help from werewolves. Oh, and you told me I’m a frickin’ fairy!” She was breathing heavily at this point, but talking was seeming to calm her down. It had been a while that she had needed to say that - she’d been carrying it with her for some time now. “I never wanted to be the center of the entire town’s attention and finding dead bodies ain’t helping’ my cause.”

Well, she felt better for the minute anyway. She’d calmed down a lot and she was realizing in a few minutes, she’d hate herself for all of that. But now wasn’t the time to consider that. He’d put her through a lot and she told herself that though she might have been a bit harsh, everything she had said was completely warranted. It was all one hundred percent true. Fairy or not, Sookie was still mostly human at least, but she figured it probably meant that she couldn’t have a normal life. She’d probably always have to be around vampires and shifters. She could still read shifters, but they were harder. She could maybe have a relationship with one of them. Probably not, even Alcide was a major broadcaster and Sam was so easy to hear when he was just holding her hand or something. Plus, sometimes Sam had an attitude, but who didn’t nowadays?

At least they agreed that they couldn’t let him and Jessica just stick to the house. Or at least, she thought they’d agreed on that. He hadn’t said anything about himself, technically. His focus had been on his creation - what was she supposed to call her? Jessica was more like a vampire child and she liked that sound better than calling her a creation. Bill’s daughter. It sounded much better and to be completely honest when they’d been together, Sookie had felt like she needed to take care of Jessica - like she had some sort of responsibility for the seventeen-year-old. Actually, now that she was thinking about it, Sookie still felt that responsibility. It had been because of Sookie that Jessica had even had to be turned into a vampire. Sookie felt incredibly guilty for that fact. At least she got to see Jessica on the nights that they both worked. Jessica was the Merlotte’s hostess and thankfully, Sookie still had a job at the bar and grill. She half expected Sam to fire her for the amount of work she’d missed.

“You too, Bill. You need to make sure people see you too. Not just Jessica. Or they’ll suspect you.” Sookie had gone from angry to concerned in about five seconds. This was proving to be an interesting night, and not in the best way possible. She’d said before that there was a such thing as too interesting when she had seen Tara with Sam. She had no reason to be angry about that really. She’d told Sam that they were only friends so he should feel free to move on, but seeing him with Tara had hurt.

Seeing Bill stand up was dreadfully terrifying. She opened her mouth to plead with him to sit down but he had started talking before she could get the words out. Instead she just sit there and listened. He wouldn’t feed from her? That should have thrilled her, except he was saying this because he was thinking of her. What kind of girl didn’t want that sort of attention from a prospective vampire boyfriend who was formerly an ex who had almost killed her about a million times and who had a mission to take her to the vampire queen for whatever reasons? But Sookie wanted Bill to live; it didn’t matter that he’d tried to kill her and it didn’t matter that he’d had a job to take her to the Queen of Louisiana. She still wanted Bill to live. And as she watched him finally sit down, she tried to think of how to form her sentences, what words to use to make him understand that she didn’t care about him drinking blood - that that wasn’t a concern of hers. Heck, she’d had his blood, she’d had Eric’s blood. She’d let both of them feed from her. She’d be willing to let Jessica if the girl could stop herself and if she really needed it. Vampires were not monsters, not all of them anyway.

“Bill, look at me.” Her voice was calm and she moved her hands back to rest on either side of his face again in an gesture that meant ‘don’t turn away’ but of course if he wanted to he had the strength, she was sure even in his weakened state that he could be stronger than her if he had to be and definitely at the right moments. Having that physical contact reminded her of when they were together and her heart sped up just a bit. She missed that connection they shared and she figured she always would as long as they weren’t together. But how do you forgive someone for making a job out of you? Didn’t that only happen in corny movies? “You need blood. You won’t survive without it. Before, when that happened you were starving and unconscious. I should have known better than to feed you in that state with no one around. And you’ve had a bottle of TruBlood now so you’re stronger and I know you can stop if you want to. But you can’t keep torturing yourself like this. It’s not right. If I’d seen from the window how bad off you were I’d have brought out a whole case or told you I’d come to your house to talk about it. I feel just awful for making you come all the way out here for my selfish little reasons.”

The vampire’s little speech touched her in ways she hadn’t thought possible. Her hands had moved from his face again; now one of them was sitting in her own lap and she had let the other one fall over one of his hands. She didn’t want to end that physical contact between them. It was so easy to take Bill’s hand and just listen to him, even if this conversation wasn’t like the ones she liked having with the vampire. God was she confused. Bill said he cared about her, but Eric had implied that he had too and before, when she’d gone to Fangtasia, he’d had a very valid point that Bill could have taken her away to avoid the whole Sophie-Ann thing. But she knew he wouldn’t have let him. She might not always like Bon Temps but it was her home. And then Bill had a very valid point. If he didn’t care about her, he wouldn’t have proposed. A proposal that Sookie recalled not being able to even answer, though she’d been wearing his ring the entire time she’d been looking for him… until she was let in on his little mission that was.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore, Bill,” she said honestly, feeling completely helpless in this. “I don’t know if I can forgive you, but I can understand, or at least, I can try to understand what you did. You’re right. It was an awful thing to do. But I also can’t deny that you’ve been beaten pretty bad, and over me. And I don’t know how to balance those emotions. On the one hand, I still love you very much. But on the other hand, you’ve lied and manipulated me, and you’ve let me almost die and have tried to kill me. I don’t know how to make my mind process that information.” Nope, she could never live a ‘normal’ life.

[bill compton]

"I never implied that you enjoyed finding dead bodies Sookie. I wish that you hadn't found that body simply because you've been through enough already. I don't wish you to be the center of attention, and anything I can do to help, tell me."

He finished honestly, having been able to answer her first question. He didn't think she had really wanted an answer, but he had given it to her nonetheless. Why she thought he wanted her to find dead bodies left and right was beside him. Staring at her now in slight confusion, the weakened vampire was doing his best to wrap his mind around this situation. This situation was the hardest for Sookie to handle, and Bill understood that. But it was also difficult for Bill. He wasn't expecting pity from anyone because he didn't deserve it, and he certainly wouldn't accept it. However, it would be nice for the hatred from everyone lessen slightly. It was being thrown at him in every direction, and he understood that he deserved some of it. But no one put themselves in his position, and it was frustrating. No one had let him explain, until now, and it was something that got under Bill's skin. He had never felt so frustrated or powerless in his entire life, and he wanted it to stop. He needed it stop for his sanity's sake.

As Sookie railed into him about what she had been through, Bill listened quietly. He was always the listener for her, and he never expected anything in return. He honestly just wanted to be here for her, and that was saying a lot. Bill didn't need anything from her, and listening to her now was reward enough. He just wanted and needed to be near her for the time being. He hadn't been around her house lately because she had banned him from it. Even then however, if she hadn't banned him, he would still stay away. He didn't need to be there any longer, and he didn't want to give her any more reasons to hate him. As she listed through what had happened to her since he had been around, Bill looked down at his hands. What did she want him to do? What did she want from him? She had made demands to know the truth, and he had given her that truth. He didn't know what else he could do to pacify her. If she wanted him gone from her life, then he'd be gone. It was just as simple as that. Watching her as she finished, he made sure she was good and done with that rant before speaking up.

"What do you want from me Sookie? You need to tell me so I can do it. Do you want me gone for good? I understand that these things have happened because of me, and it's not fair to you. So tell me. Would it make you feel better, and safer, if I was gone?"

He was ready for that answer. If she said yes, then he'd get up and leave right now. He was not going to be the one to hurt her any longer. He was not going to be the one that ignored her demands and her wants and her wishes. It wasn't fair. Sookie always got pushed around by the vampires, and he had been one of them. Enough was enough. Bill was going to put a stop to it, and if removing himself completely from her life was what would do it, then so be it. He could no longer afford to be selfish. He wasn't happy, and she wasn't happy. For once Bill wanted to put his happiness first. He had never done that before, and he would never be able to do it when it came to Sookie. He would always put her before himself, but it was getting harder and harder. He wanted to please her, but she was such a confusing individual at times. He knew and understood that she was going through a lot, but this was why she needed to tell him what she wanted him to do.

Her wave of anger seemed to pass however, and Bill was glad that she had been able to get that out. He didn't want her to have to hold things inside of her like that, and if he could be her personal punching bag, then he would gladly accept that role. It was something that he was used to, but not when it came to her. Lorena had done it to him time and time again, and if the people around him were smart enough, they would realize that that vampire had messed him up good. She was at the root of all of his problems. But no one seemed to take that into account, and even Bill didn't realize that was the reason he was the way that he was. She had changed him for the worse, and he was trying desperately to gain solid ground again. Now that she was dead, he didn't know what to think either. Sighing, he turned to her as she spoke up about letting himself being seen in public as well as Jessica. He would. And he nodded to show her that he would.

In another instant however, he felt her hands slip up against his either side of his face, and he stiffened almost instantly. However, she was forcing him to look at her, and Bill turned his head, not wanting to upset her in any way. He doubted he'd be able to gather enough strength to turn away anyway. Watching her, his steady eyes gazed into hers, and he wished more than anything right now that he could take her into his arms and hold her close. But he didn't, and he wouldn't. Sookie was no longer his girlfriend, his love. They were finished, and Bill didn't know how to handle that. Sighing now, he listened to her words, trying to believe them, but not really succeeding. As she blamed herself for making him come out here while he was in this state, Bill shook his head after she had released his face. That touch had sent shocks up and down his body, and he wasn't sure how he felt now.

"I could have said no Sookie. This is not your fault, so please do not blame yourself. But I will not drink from you. I've hurt you enough."

He finished quietly, almost stubbornly. He realized now that she didn't mind offering it to him, but Bill was not going to take it. He would re-supply himself with the Tru Blood that he had at home. It was what he had been doing slowly but surely before he came here. The journey had taken more out of him that he would care to admit, and he wouldn't in front of her. He would rest before making the trip back home in all honesty because he didn't know how weak the trip back would make him. As she spoke up once again, he listened, as he always did. He was glad that she could get things of of her chest in front of him in all honesty. He was glad that she could talk about these things with him because it was what they both needed. He would never stop loving this young woman, but she was going to prevent him from doing it openly. He would stay away from her, especially after what she just said. Bill wasn't going to be the one that rushed her.

"I understand Sookie. I'm not asking for you to forgive me in one night, or at all. You know what I did and why I did it now, and that's what matters. If it takes you forever to decide how you feel about me, then so be it. I will no longer push and I will no longer be around. It will make it easier for you to figure things out. Be happy with Eric, and just know I will always be there for you if you ever need me."